Why working woman has never felt more disconnected from stay-at-home moms

A new mom has opened up about the divide between working moms and those who stay at home, and why she often feels “guilty” for returning to work.

Victoria Morse, 32, welcomed her daughter in April 2024, but before she was born, the question of going back to work was never in doubt. She told Newsweek that the thought of returning to her job “never weighed on” her.

Of course, once she became a mom, Morse of Denver, Colorado, started to have doubts about her decision, but ultimately, it wasn’t much of a choice. She and her husband both need to work for financial reasons above all else, which many parents can attest to.

“My husband and I got pregnant knowing I would have to work once she was born,” Morse said. “But once they’re here and you get to know them, your priorities change and you quickly understand the challenges of being away from your child for 9 hours a day, 5 days a week.

“I didn’t realize how little time I would have with my daughter once I started working. It boils down to an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. That quality time with them becomes really short.”

Being a stay-at-home mom is by no means easy. Morse, a graphic designer and art director, says it can be “exhausting and isolating.” But as a full-time working mom, she feels an inherent divide between the two.

That disconnect culminated recently when Morse was working in a café at the same time as a mommy and me group was convening.

She posted a video on TikTok (@victoriamorsew) detailing her experience, adding that she “never felt the divide” more than in that moment. The clip went viral with over 591,900 views and 32,400 likes at the time of writing.

Seeing the baby group left Morse wishing she was with her daughter rather than doing work and attending meetings.

“I definitely had to take a moment in my car after and look at videos of my baby. I couldn’t help but miss her so much at that moment,” Morse told Newsweek. “Currently, the most challenging part about being a working mom is how little time I have with her. I know a lot of working moms feel guilty being away from their children all day, especially as they get older.”

A 2024 report by Capita estimates that one-third of families in the U.S. with a child under 12 have a stay-at-home parent. This represents nearly 7.5 million families.

The term “stay-at-home mom” can lead people to think of negative stereotypes, yet Capita’s report says they’re misguided and the mere title “stay-at-home” is fraught. Parents who don’t work have diverse backgrounds, may be economically struggling, and are very hardworking people nonetheless.

This was echoed by Dr. Martha Deiros Collado, a clinical psychologist and the author of How to Be the Grown Up, who says the meaning behind the name is “old fashioned and offensive.” They aren’t just unwinding at home; they’re raising a family.

She believes that societal pressures and the language used about the choices moms make often pits them against one another and creates a tension.

Collado, from the U.K., told Newsweek: “We call mothers who go back to work ‘working mothers,’ but I have never heard of a father called this. We call mothers who stay at home with their children ‘stay at home mothers’, but aren’t they just doing the necessary parenting so the other parent can go to work?”

Having worked with children and families for over 20 years, Collado insists there “is no perfect choice,” and she urges mothers not to judge each other.

Of course, a mother juggling work will face challenges, and so will a woman who is caring for children all day. The key is to be honest and not to close off from women who choose a different lifestyle.

“Women tend to judge each other and themselves so much more harshly than men do. It’s time that women get more confident in their choices and support other women with theirs, even when they aren’t aligned. In a society that is continually putting us down, we must do better at pulling each other up,” Collado said.

Online Reaction

Unfortunately, whether women work or not, Morse believes they will be criticized. She didn’t want to feed into the mom wars, which is why she highlighted her perspective on TikTok.

She said: “I thought the dichotomy between the different lives of mothers was truly eye opening. I knew other working moms would relate to the feeling of wanting to be included in mom groups or being away from their baby.

“It opened the door to a lot of great conversation about the different experiences of working moms and SAHMs. All mothers understand the feeling of missing their child. But it was disheartening to hear how most mothers don’t get the chance or even the choice to experience either side,” Morse continued.

The viral video has amassed over 2,200 responses so far, as many took to the comments section to share their thoughts.

One comment reads: “Honestly as a stay at home I probably would have looked at you with envy that you could sit and enjoy your coffee in peace and quiet.”

Another person wrote: “SAHM here. It’s not all what it seems. It’s also lonely and isolating. I miss having a life outside my home.”

“Totally get this but also know I’m a better mom because I go to work,” added one commenter.

If you have a family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.